Tuesday, May 6, 2014

Dragon Slayer

One Sunday, John had to work some OT and I had to get the kids ready for church all by myself. As I was curling my hair, Soph was leaving my room and she comes back to tell me, “Mom, there’s a lizard in the room.” Not wanting to believe it or her, I asked, “Are you sure?” She say,”Mom, I know what a lizard tail looks like.” True, she has seen a lot of lizards recently. We have had a lot in our yard in the last few weeks.
My hair in curlers, I walked over to see it. Sure enough, it was a lizard. PANIC mode. I NEED to kill this thing before it attacks my face in the middle of the night. (A fear of mine) My first thought-what can I use as a weapon? I thought maybe I could scoop it up by using a blank CD storage container and closing it up. After realizing that to close the storage case, I would need to twist it-it was a no go. That lizard was going to be too quick and jump on my face.
A big huge water bottle-that was the weapon. Smacked the floor a few times, which did nothing, but made him run away.
Now he was behind the door, I needed help. Summoned Magnus from the living room, instructing him to come as stealthly as possible so the lizard would not move. Now, what weapon was he going to use? I gave him a big bottle of mouthwash. Big was good, right? I had him on one part of the wall while I was on the opposite. This thing was going to get killed for sure. We smacked like crazy and ended up just hitting each other’s bottles. Yeah, not so good. Mr. Lizard has made a move again.
This time he went under a hat which was on the floor. Angered that I haven’t killed him, I was more determined than ever. I moved the hat, smacked the floor a few times. I think I might have made contact this time. BUT, that lizard made an escape again.
He was in the slot in between the filing cabinet and the wall. Water bottle and mouthwash bottle will no longer suffice. I grabbed a coat hanger with the intent of smashing the heck out of him, once I wedge it in. But he was probably going to run towards the back, then I wouldn’t be able to kill him for reals.
Next thought, what would be the closest thing in the room that could be a poison? Aha! HAIRSPRAY!!! Grabbed my bottle, sprayed him like crazy, which for some reason made him want to exit the confines of the wall. Now, he was coming towards me!!! Ahh! Must hold down spray bottle and spray. This slowed him down and just enough for another aha moment, I was holding a Mag-Lite. That is a weapon or so, I’ve seen on TV.
Just to let you know, TV was right.
As I was pounding him to his death, instinctively my brain told me, I must make a screaming noise. Like they do on TV, when you are fighting your attacker. After a few pounds, I stop to check him out. His tail was still moving. I asked Magnus if I should give him a few more hits and he says, “ Mom, his head is no longer on his body.” Very matter of fact-ly. Um, thank you my son.
BUT, how was I going to dispose of him? I didn’t want to feel his yucky bloodied smushed up body through the tissues. Aha! Those blank CDs! Used two of them, scooped up his body and in the toilet he goes. Two flushes just to be sure he wasn’t going to come back and jump onto my face.
Yeah, that’s right. I am a dragon slayer. Not for hire. Once was enough.


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